I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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