I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
