the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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