By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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