I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
