a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
