I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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