Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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