I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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