shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
