I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
