I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
