just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
