there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
