If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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