Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
