my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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