Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
