Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
