Sry I called you an 8
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
