i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
