If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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