I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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