I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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