i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
