It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I wish I only lived at night.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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