Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
