There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
