Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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