I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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