i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
