I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
