I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
