I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
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My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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