there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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