I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm at about main and main street
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
