DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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