I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
