Your face is a jimmy john
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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