dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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