winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
