I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
