Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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