it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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