this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
