so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
