if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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