I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
