Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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