that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
