I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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