Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
