Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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